Crumpets

Crumpets are, or were when I was younger, a British teatime staple, and there is currently an ad on TV featuring a crumpet factory. But does anyone really, really like them.
I mean sure it's great the way you can create a butter slick on their surface, but it's also almost impossible to not dribble melted butter all down you because it lies on the surface or hides in the holes, it doesn't get absorbed by some lush sponginess.

And how did crumpet become synonymous with totty? And where did we get 'totty' from?

But I always found crumpets rather rubbery and even at their best the comfort from them lies in the fact that you always had them for Sunday tea in the winter. If you were lucky, golden syrup was involved.
I don't miss 'em.

On the subject of food, both Jamie and Nigella were on TV yesterday, one after the other, making pies.
Now I like Nigella, but I do not like her made-for-the States show 'Nigella Express'. It's just wrong hearing her measuring butter in cups. No, I'm serious, that's a real thing. On this show, she does that a lot, uses American expressions and measurements, temperature in Fahrenheit, scallions for spring onions, you know the form.
And yet she uses ingredients sometimes that I know are difficult to find here but which I know are readily available in the UK. Of course that may not be true for the States, but it probably is.
SO Nigella is stuck, mid-Atlantic. And she is stuck making 'fast food'.
A quick way to make something that could fool your nose in the middle of the night into thinking it was a doughnut was to fry thick chunks of white bread that had been soaked momentarily in egg and vanilla and then drench it in sugar.
You know what I do when I get a hankering for doughnuts in the middle of the night Nigella?
Turn over and go back to sleep.

Yesterday she made something she called a chicken pot pie. It was, if you'll pardon the (to the ear) pun, foul, or at least looked it. It consisted of what appeared to be the filling for some frozen sub-Birds-Eye chicken pie, but with no pie crust, just a raft of puff pastry sitting on the top.

Jamie, on t'other hand, made melt-in-the-mouth-looking pies, hand made and Robot-chef made the pastry, lined the pie dishes, carefully blended the fillings, and then topped them. Those pies made my mouth water.

Please don't show us how to make midnight chocolate cake out of just crumpets and a bag of icing sugar Nigella, please get back to proper cooking.
I mean it.
I don't cook, so believe you me, I don't want to watch a TV chef showing me stuff that looks worse than the crap that even I can turn out.