Fallen gods

There's a point in every child's development, when their sense of self is being constructed, that they discover that their significant adults aren't perfect. And I can handle that, it'll happen to me someday.

But to find out that Cadbury's have poisoned people, that's just too hard. I can't be doing with knowing such ugly facts of life. It was difficult enough for me when Kieran O'Keefe accused Derek Acorah of cheating on 'Most Haunted', of taking the bait, making things up. I wanted to scratch his eyes out. Kieran's that is, not Derek's.

Then the Guardian started criticising Tony Blair. Saints preserve us. I trusted the Guardian, just like I trust Tony to run the country in my absence, and they poked me with red hot pokers, the bar stewards.

I mean, some stabbings you expect. Like the first time I was in Phantasialand near Köln, and some kid told me that the space shuttle ride was a nice little tour round a kind of museum of spacey things. The little bollox. It was a bloody hellish nightmare of a rollercoaster ride in the pitch dark. But...you expect that.

But not Cadbury's, no-one expects that. That's like...Johnny Depp making a bad film. Or Helen Mirren delivering a line badly. Or Ikea designing something too ornately.
Still, they thought they were doing the right thing, they thought no-one would get sick. But yeah, see that doesn't do it for me, because the very thought of bacteria-ridden dirty water being anywhere near the chocolate ...well, it just shatters my illusions. Who knew that creamy goodness could have you hospitalised? Oh hang on, yes I did know that.

I will have to draw a curtain. I have to believe that the great god Cadbury's will learn from their slopiness and move on. Eventually, and by eventually I mean the next time I step onto British soil, so long as they never transgress again, I will forgive them.

Meanwhile, we're going to Kelowna tomorrow. Yep. Off to the Okanagan, to the Canadian desert, where the polar bears have humps like camels, where the moose wander naked in the street, and even the Mounties sweat. Ok, perhaps I've had a touche too much sun already. I'm not sure yet whether I will be able to report from the outback, but if I can, then I will. How else would you get to sleep? Oh, yeah, Nytol. Well, I'd better not find out anything bad about them. Hrmmph.