Quote, Unquote

I know it's cheating, but I just can't help myself, there are so many funny quotes I want to share, and they are all from 'The Week' so if you already subscribe, don't bother to read.

In their 'Wit and Wisdom' column, this was so nicely done, first, George Bernard Shaw as quoted in New Scientist.
'Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.'

Then John Osborne in the Torygraph,
'George Bernard Shaw writes like a Pakistani who learnt English when he was 12 years old in order to become a chartered accountant.'

I keep re-reading this one from Martin Rowson, in The Independent on Sunday, and chuckling,

'My father always said you should never join a paramilitary organisation - even one with woggles.'

In response to the snippet about the French trekker in the Amazon, for whom almost the last straw was eating undercooked spider, someone from the British Tarantula Society wrote to the Torygraph with the opinion that it was not that the spider was undercooked, simply wrongly cooked. It must apparently be placed on the charcoal so that the hairs that cover the rear of the abdomen are burnt off. You'll be interested to know that properly cooked bird-eating spider doesn't taste like chicken, but rather like 'a fish stock cube without salt'. Eesh.

Liz Hurley, I feel your pain. Not only was your earlier life tainted by your spending several good years sleeping with the horrible Hugh Grant, but now, just when things were going so much better, a freak wedding incident involving the failure to remove footwear, compounded with drinking alcohol and kissing your bridegroom may mean a three year spell in the brig for insulting the religious beliefs of Hindus. You shocking hussy you, whatever next, cartoons maybe?

In Science news, if you want to influence the gender of your offspring, then either smoke, or don't smoke, which I guess all of us do anyway. If a woman is a smoker at the time of conception, then she is one third less likely to conceive a boy child. If the father is a smoker too, then the chances of having a boy are halved. So, no idea why that should be, but the research comes out of Liverpool, so it must be true.

And before you even GET pregnant, or more to the point, get someone else pregnant, don't be too successful or too good-looking. Research has shown that women favour less successful men over handsome high-fliers. Oh, they like the lookers alright, just not the rich ones. It seems that in the study, the handsome and wealthy were ranked as low as the poorest men.

And finally, as they say, a telegram sent to Sigmund 'Siggie' Freud, with an unfortunately misplaced space,
'The rapists of Philadelphia send their congratulations and good wishes.' Freudian slip perhaps?